MAN = Worthless SHIT

Been so dried up and flattened spiritually. Wat has gotten into me ? I did not realise that I have unforgiveness in me until God show it to me in the book The Power of a praying woman. Unforgiveness is the key to my hindrance? He has been 'attacking' me again with jerky comments. How come man's heart is so narrow ? Can't he settle and end it in peace? He has become a war warrior. What the F*** is wrong with him???!

I just dont understand why that jerky is such an asshole now. Must be the spell of the bitchy bitch. Well...vengence belongs to the Lord....Oh God, please be the judge. Cant he just let me carry on life with dignity n pride? Does he need to make me feel like a pc of shit !?! Came back to Lucky's home and trying to pack my room. Guess wat i found! His love letters and cards to me ! What the F***! I feel like puking reading it "I will be your man now and forever", " I wish to be celebrate Valentine's day with u every year!" PHUI !!!! Phui phui !

MAN's WORD IS NOTHING BUT A PC OF WORTHLESS SHIT.

Vision- Take your own cross!

While I begun to worship the Lord during CG on 22 Sept, I immediately saw this vision of
a line of people in a long windy road, each carrying a cross on his back, walking towards the same direction! I was so touched as the image of Jesus carrying his own cross flashed in the vision. The interpretation of the vision?? Here it is.........Jesus is looking for disciples who are willing to take up the cross and follow Him. The 'cross' is not easy and in contradiction, it is HEAVY. However, in the midst of carrying, not one man has fallen as the Lord's strength is with them. The leader of the men carrying the cross is Jesus. God did not promise us a bed of roses life. He promised to deliver us from all our troubles and help us when we cry out to Him. It is thru the hardship (heavy cross) that we will learn to trust God and Perservere and thus mold into Godly Character !

Hence do not be discourage, take up the cross and follow the sheperd!!!

Same PIT n SHIT ??? Oh so SHITTY!

I went back to find Lucky after my interview on Tuesday 20 Sep 05 near Techlink. Was extremely fuming when found out that my precious Hello Kitty Special Edition Collection was stolen away from my room! Yes! Again! Back to that f***g irritating little oppressive house, facing that idiotic thief ! I really do not wish to be rude BUT...I really cannot help but was losing my patience once again!

Suddenly I felt so lost n like a bloody FOOL! I escaped my way out from that cannot make it house years ago, and now I have no choice but to shift back again!?! Its like out from a shit hole to another deeper SHIT and then back to the SAME SHIT !!! OHHH DAMN SHITTY !!!!! For goodness sake!!! Well, once I stabilise my income, I will rent a room and have all the freedom to myself again!! Till then..Cheers!! The hell with it! Should not be so damn grieve with Jerky and resigned from my former company. At least, the people is so nice there. I should have listened to my senior mgr, its my career!!! Well, at least I used to be the flower among the thorns in the daily operation meeting, in an environment full of international men !!! Ohhhh I miss Mr Pan Wei Po look alike :P Damn it !!! Hate those big mouth uncle spreading that I am attached! All my effort in being low profile with my marital status seems not to be working with busybodies around.......Damn damn!!

The person I missed most now? I have the answer close to my heart........I know I am an idiot. Wildcat always said that I am a stupid gal who dont know how to protect myself! Yah indeed...stupid to do all the wrong things at the wrong time! I just cannot forget my cute One n Only and I cannot forget him calling me CFUG !! Recently my emotions for him has been stirred up again. Well, we cannot make it together.............. I just dont know why leh? Am I starting to go crazy again?

Oh no! I have a destiny...I need to regain my couscience back....hianz.......I just hate the thought of me moving back especially after wat happened. I dont know what has gotten into me! Why I talked back to him across the corridor??! So malu...! On the way to BOJ, I cried at my void deck while talking to daisy and on the bus and also teared at BOJ! why am i such a cry baby? I cant seem to be able to hide my feeling everytime. Is it healthy? HianZzzzzz

The final lap, the most difficult one

I thought my tears had dried up liao a few days liao. But, while having talk with brother and daisey, my tear drops seems to be so big and heavy that it rolled down from my cheeks all the way down to my chin and wetted my bolster. Maybe that makes it easier for angels to collect them in bottles.

While talking with Daisey, it seems that my inner feelings were lifted up. Daisey reminded me this is the last and final lap before my next major break through. But this will be the most difficult hurdle to overcome. I must not let it steals away my breakthru. Stop making decisions based on my emotions.

I will focus and move on....I have walked so far, I simply cant say "I Quit".

比我幸福- Only 4 words, but very difficult to do

Father, I never know it requires so much courage and willingness to let Go and give my blessing to those who have hurt me. I cannot focus and I cannot bless, I just CANNOT DO IT. I CANNOT MAKE IT LA! Why life is so cruel and parents has to rake up my past wounds? My emotions went upside down with the stupid dream I had about bastard Tan!

Mom came to my house yesterday for the mooncake festival, dont know why she asked me.There it goes again! There it goes again! God! Give me a break please......I felt like f***g the bitch and the bastard! I told my mom wat my friend saw and my brother was so angry! He said my eyes got stamp! :S sobbing.............felt like crying but dare not cry! Hianzzzzzzzzzzz

How I wished I am not so naive to believe and trusted that bastard, I wished I chose to make his life as miserable as mine...: ( Why has God's blessing to me benefited him as well! He and the bitch dont deserve it at all man! I just cant stand the sight of him pretending infront of all our friends saying there is no third party.....The hell with u! FURB


比我幸福- 陈晓东

望着广场的时钟
你还在我的怀里躲风
不习惯言不由衷
沉默如何能让你都懂
此刻与你相拥
也算有始有终
祝福有许多种
心痛却尽在不言中

请你一定要比我幸福
才不枉费我狼狈退出
再痛也不说话 爱不用 抱歉来弥补
至少我能成全你的追逐

请记得你要比我幸福
才值得我对自己残酷
我默默的倒数
最后再把你看清楚
看你眼里的我好模糊
慢慢被放弃

放心去追逐你的幸福
别管我愿不愿孤不孤独 都别在乎

Leaving for Dubai

Finally my dearest is leaving for Dubai end of this month....I have one friend less who will celebrate my birthday with me :((( I hope I will also have the courage to "throw away" everything and leave Singapore to work there too. I have been wanted to work overseas but I know I cant........I guess I have too much to consider: my church, my family, my dearest Lucky, I cant bear to leave all these behind.

I dont know why I like everything about the Middle East. Its an Exotic place with 'things' that I LOVE! Everything there appeals to me, I just dont know why. Ever since one and only, I seem to show more interest about middle eastern thingy. Hianzzzzzzz, people will 'kill' me saying something like this. Well, its just my 5 cents thoughts. And I dont believe there is no christian there. There ought to be since it is the end days, and the gospel will reach to ALL NATIONS !

Well....it doesnt pay off well to be faithful, to give your all for the one you love. So ..wats the point?! Now I only believe in keeping my good memories...Enjoy while you can! At least they make me happy before. I remembered Nov 04 - Jan 05 was the wildest chapters of my life. I never dreamt that I will have the guts to 'enjoy' with wildcat. I dont care whether is it wrong or right, it does not matter any more to me since it was already in the past. I just know that I had the happiest moment back then, New Asia, Brix were my best friends.

SUPER DUPA EXHUASTED

Age is indeed catching up with me. I am still so tired until today since friday....Physically dead! But I really enjoyed our gals nite out....chatting....heart to heart talk.......

But somehow i became so slackened, I became lazy to talk. Wat happened to me? Am I really ok?

远走高飞 Soar like an Eagle???

There is no right or wrong party in a relationship. Relationship is not everything in our life. Why cant we be more focus in life? Is marriage or boyfriend/girlfriend so important??! The most impt thing is that we must live life to the fullest. Aiyoo!!!! I just dont understand why some people treat relationship is a MUST HAVE in life. When it ends or they dont get what they want, they behave like it is the end of the world. I really cannot comprehend that. Dont they know that Marriage and Relationship will gives us additional problem which a bachelor would never faced? My philosophy seems to change drastically recently........hummm .... maybe seen too many problems.

Life is full of irony. U desire to get married when u r single. But when u r married, u will think otherwise Humm...After married, there are so many problems which will arise and rob away the love for each other. We become so 'take him/her for granted', so selfish, so 'bo-chap'! Is that the way a relationship suppose to be ater marriage?

For me.... I wan to enjoy my life and be happy now! No more relationship rubbish! MAN! Who are they and WHAT are they?? Gives me nothing but TROUBLE! :P Better focus on my God, Jesus and Holy Spirit! Let GO of the PAST dude !!

There are alot of things to achieve. Be strong and continue to live life to the fullest. No point meeting God and show him my poor result (withered arm) because I was sulking due to my failure. I cant account to God and i want my heavenly house to be full of diamonds and full of animals that I like. Then I can go diving and relaz at the beach....hahahaha dreaming ?! Yah I dare to DREAM! So wat! I dont BOTHER man! I wont bother what man thinks anymore man! All is rubbish but God's word will never PASS AWAY !!!!


爱你错了吗　为什么会受到这么多惩罚　
他们说的话像针往心里扎
我心中的怕　不知该怎么做才可以放下　
只不过想好好的爱一次啊

＃带我远走高飞　不去理会　
这一个蜚短流长的世界布满虚伪 　
是你让我选择沉醉　
繁星守候月不能睡　只因为爱上了夜的黑

带我远走高飞　一起去追　
有一个叫做幸福的世界没有泪水 　
我已经感觉到疲累　只想在你怀抱入睡　
不在乎别人眼中是非

重新再出发　能不能让这天地不再吵杂　
我的心里面 安静得不像话
故事的真假　没有多余的力气去分辨他　
只不过想好好的爱一次啊 !

Blinded and See again

No wonder I felt my tears had dried up since Monday (12 sept).........I thought I was still mourning about Mr & Ms Beach. But God knows me better than I know myself! I dont even know that it does not bothers me anymore until the monster beach was placed infront of me on 15 Sep. THEN i realised it does not bother me anymore man !

I thought I was still very sad but everything came to light after monster beach came and appeared out of no where. Thank goodness he came else I would still cry, moan and groan. Miraculously, it was a civilised talk and everything went smoothly. This final countdown closed the chapter in my life. No more residue, no more rubbish and shit....oops!

~End of Gerry's Fairy Tale~

童话 - 光良

忘了有多久
再没听到你
对我说你最爱的故事

我想了很久
我开始慌了
是不是我又做错了什么

你哭着对我说
童话里都是骗人的
我不可能是你的王子
也许你不会懂
从你说爱我以后
我的天空 星星都亮了

我愿变成童话里
你爱的那个天使
张开双手变成翅膀守护你
你要相信 相信我们会像童话故事里
幸福和快乐是结局

我要变成童话里
你爱的那个天使
张开双手变成翅膀守护你
你要相信 相信我们会像童话故事里
幸福和快乐是结局

我会变成童话里
你爱的那个天使
张开双手变成翅膀守护你
你要相信 相信我们会像童话故事里
幸福和快乐是结局

一起写我们的结局

街角的祝福 - 戴佩妮

I still wonder why my friend, who has been keeping the secret from me for so long, cannot keep the secret from me anymore! Why she wan to tell me something which I dont ever wana know?? I know I am no longer in any position to poke into his thingy anymore, but i just cant help but to find out from him personally "IS IT TRUE?!" Well........Does it matter anymore Gerry???????? WAILING................


街角的祝福

多少个秋 多少个冬
我几乎快要被治愈好
但还是会只因为一个重复的话题 就无心自扰
也曾想过 若真遇见 我们应该如何是好
我想我还是会站在某一个街角 不让你看到

只因为我不想打扰
只因为怕你解释不了
只因为现在你的眼睛里 她比我还重要

我只好假装我看不到 看不到
你和她在对街拥抱 你的快乐
我可以感受得到
这样的见面方式对谁都好

我只好假装我听不到 听不到
别人口中的她好不好
再不想问 也不想被通知到
反正你的世界我管不了
若不想问 若不想被通知到

就把祝福 留在街角

痴心绝对

想用一杯Latte把你灌醉　
好让你能多爱我一点 暗恋的滋味　
你不懂这种感觉　
早有人陪的你永远不会

＊看见你和他在我面前　
证明我的爱只是愚昧 　
你不懂我的　
那些憔悴　
是你永远不曾过的体会

为你付出那种伤心你永远不了解　
我又何苦勉强自己爱上你的一切 　
你又狠狠逼退　我的防备　
静静关上门来默数我的泪

明知道让你离开他的世界不可能会　
我还傻傻等到奇迹出现的那一天 　
直到那一天　你会发现　
真正爱你的人独自守着伤悲

曾经我以为我自己会后悔　
不想爱的太多痴心绝对
为你落第一滴泪　
为你做任何改变　
也唤不回你对我的坚决

直到那一天　你会发现　
真正爱你的人独自守着伤悲

你走了

还在寻找　曾经每次你对我的好 　
还在祈祷　最爱的你回到我怀抱 　
听不到　 你不知道我有多难熬 　
没有预兆　其实我想你一分一秒

守着你的誓言　风在笑 　
抱着你的回忆　泪在掉 　
爱过的每一秒　都是煎熬 　
难道你真的忍心忘就忘掉

守着你的誓言　风在笑 　
抱着你的回忆　泪在掉 　
舍不得你走掉　你走了

手放開 (Gerry....Let it GO...)

Tears no longer can express my feelings and sadness. It has dried up now and I can no longer cry anymore. I recalled why I finally gave in and agreed to let it go. The sight of seeing a man crying in front of you, begging you, seems to melt your heart. I finally gave up trying. I realised the best way to love him is to LET HIM GO. At least this is the least that I can do now. Although I have let him go physically, in my heart, in that secret 20%, I still harbour on the memories of him. SOBBING.........It is 10 yrs not 10 days......

Although he is such a pain in the neck to me now, as long as I know that he onced love me, thats enough...............At least I can face God and say, " God, I never let him down in my commitment to him as a wife since 2 Feb 2002. I was a faithful pure bride. But things just dont worked out. And I had tried my very best..............." This song seems to match my feeling now....: (


手放開 - 李聖傑

我把自己關起來　只留下一個陽台
每當天黑推開城門　對著夜幕發呆
看著往事　一幕一幕
再次演出你我的愛

我把電視機打開　聽著別人的對白
也許那些故事　可以給我一個交代
你要的愛　我學不來
眼睜睜看情變壞　人怔怔看情感慨

＊不能給你未來　我還你現在
安靜結束也是另一種對待
當眼淚流下來　傷已超載
分開也是另一種明白

＃〔我給你〕最後的疼愛　是手放開
不要一張雙人床中間隔著一片海
感情的污點就留給時間慢慢漂白
把愛收進胸前左邊口袋

＋最後的疼愛　是手放開
不想用言語拉扯所以選擇不責怪
感情就像候車月台　有人走有人來
我的心是一個站牌　寫著等待

重唱　＊,＃,＋,＃,＋
我把收音機打開　聽著別人的失敗
哽咽的聲音彷彿訴說著相同悲哀
你的依賴　還在胸懷
我無法輕易推開　我無法隨便走開
感情中專心的人容易被傷害

Mighty Army of God

Ever since God told me about building me a mighty army....I have been wondering what might army? I am not a soldier why I need an army ??Immediately, God also showed me 2 kings 19-22 that he has healed the water. It will prosper! I was very puzzled. Nevertheless I was still touch in the spirit and tears poured down, hands shaking from the anoiting of God while lifted up. It was an awesome encounter with God in my little room and it was transformed into the Holy of Holies! This was the first time I ever felt 'afraid' because God's presence was sooo thick at home!

During one of the prayer meeting, God revealed that the mighty army would fight against the darkness during the end times. Believe it or not, the end times has been sneaking in fast and very near~~ Today while I was reading the daily devotions, I received a deeper understanding and revelation for God's end time army. So I understand about the might army, its about army with character, perserverance in the Lord!

"God's end time army must have the ability and tenacity to WAIT in prayer, to STAND FIRM on His promises and HOPE in His Deliverance! The highest demonstration of our faith is to wait on the Lord and to stand firm on what He has promised. Never wish u could go back to the world again, but accept the situation and commit yourself into the hands of a FAITHFUL GOD~!!"

Thank you Lord for letting me know these few days that You are in control of my current situation. Everything works in Your timing and I know it will be the BEST timing. Although I could not understand why I have to 'suffer' all this until now, the magnitude of the pains I am going through, I know n I know that God who is Good and Faithful, will give me the best in the best timing. I will look forward to the light, the promises at the end of the tunnel. I know God is waiting for me with OPEN ARMS, waiting for me to come out and embrace me, shelter me from all the tribulations and remove all my wearies faced in the tunnel.

Lord, help me to obey you, give me the strength and wisdom to run towards the light at the end of the tunnel. I dont want to walk out, I wan to RUN OUT!!!! I do not wish to waver looking to the left or right inside which leads to no where.

Thank you for letting me know the truth about that man. He really does not deserve my very best. Remove all the past hurts, my 20%, so that this will not follow me into a new relationship. Remove my disappointment in him, I dont wanna harbour any bitterness or hatred. Shield me from all these rubbish....

Betrayal.....Eye Opener

I never expected the man I love is such a liar n disappointment. Friends has been asking me questions which I don't have an answer a year back. I finally knew the truth on 10 Sept 05. It was silly of me to dedicate myself, as a pure bride, to someone whom don't deserve my faithfulness and commitment.

God sees into the deepest hidden truth in the heart of every man. Thank you Lord for protecting me and saving me from the ship wreck. I still remembered one nite, more than a year back, I cried out so bitterly to God in the dark room "Help me Jesus!". God miracously heard my CRY and showed me Ps 91:14-16 when I was not even attending church for 4 years back then. If God never intervened and saved me, I cant imagine what my life will be for now. God knows one of the things I dread most is "Betrayal n Unfaithfulness". I cant imagine if this relationship contnue to drag on what will happen to me. Should be shattered until Angels become so busy buying super glue, but will take years to glue it back together again.

Ps 91:14-16

"Because he loves me," says the Lord, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honour hom. With long life will I satisfy hi, and show him my salvation!"

Everything BAD happened simultaneously

Yesterday nite's call made me realised that it had been a very long time I never scream. Never realised that I had such a precious peace from God the past 6months or so. Finally God is dealing with my deep roots of 20%. Yes! It is indeed painful, but since God wans to deal with it, I would submit, trust and bear the pain of molding. I may lost focus bec I am not perfect, God pls give me strength to persevere! I know this is another level that I need to breakthrough. Trusting God to fulfill all righteousness even if the situation seems hopeless. I really felt the similiar pain as JOB. He lost his family, all his riches and even his wealth. I kinda fit into his picture rite now........... (gerry sobbing)

Thank you Lord for the revelation from pastor: Tribulation is a VERY PAINFUL process, but it is only TEMPORARY. When it is over, we would be filled with God's love, peace and mercy! Gerry! Focus on the black tunnel vision! God confirmed the exact vision through Stella! FOCUS FOCUS!

I thank God for opening my 'kok' eyes and realised HE is a CANNOT MAKE IT person to live with. His monster inside is overtaking him, controling him and full of rubbish. Maybe he is manifesting bec my spirit inside me is stronger than his spirit inside him. Haaa.... He is such a coward, dare to do it but dare not face it. IDIOTIC MAN.........