A decision on how to end the race!

After drowning myself in the pain of a wrong relationship, its time for cuddly Gerry to wake up from self suffering & self pity and move on! I begin to realise that worldly love is not everything. As what Pastor Ulf taught us, our main purpose in life is to become more like Jesus and how we can serve others with love. I hope one day when i meet God face to face, he will be able to tell me "U have done well, my good and faithful servant."

I hope by deciding to be a good christian does not mean that I MUST forsake clubbing. (oops!) We need to have another gals outing this friday to celebrate my friend's birthday ! Ah ha! Can drink again but this time its gonna be different. I cant spend too much on the drinks as I will be jobless soon...God I need to find a good n highly paid job soon! But i also want to hide at USA :(

Terror had a talk with me last week. I was feeling very down and he is unhappy about it. He said I am making him feel so guilty for wasting my life away. I m like a pc of shit now, no job, not looking for new job, so unhappy, what have i become ?! He is angry with me because he thought that i am retaliating by making him feel guilty from wasting my life away. Alot of people say i m crazy, mum scold me too...but i just cant continue my job w all this mess! Sometimes I wonder why is he still concern for me or seeing me become more independent will relief guilt ?! Humk! Why is he feeling guilty anyway ?!

The bloody truth is, I am unhappy not because of you, Mr Terror. I was unhappy because of Susan!! Terror is history, Susan is now. Too bad its going to be history too. (Tough one though...sob sob)

Susan, I dont have the chance to tell you this. I will pen down my thoughts here. I know she won't be able to read this, but i just want to trash out my feelings. Its tough to bottle it inside Gerry's heart.

Thank you for your chatting with me that day (mid Oct 04?) when I first found u on the net. (I found u when Terror walked out that door cold bloodedly.) Thank you for all the chats, fun and companioship during the lonely nights. Most importanly, thank you for helping me forget Terror. I really appreciate all the wonderful times (although not much) that we had spent together. I missed the times when we watched movies together at Orchard, I missed the fun we had, ur singing about that "battery" song, I missed sitting beside u in the car listening to the songs, I missed everything about u! Most importanly, I missed amoughhhhh...

Although u r notti sometimes, but thats just what I like about you! Frankly speaking, I don't regret knowing u! Its a nice experience and I mean it. Sometimes I wonder why is Cupid playing a trick on me. Can Mr Cupid wear a pair of clearer contact lens ? Mr Cupid, take me out from the list now, I quit and shop is CLOSE now la!

(Gerry listening to: I love u just the way you are - Billy Joel)

A nice song by Kiss (Korean Singer)

Kinda like a korean song by KISS. The english translation of the title is "Bec I am a girl." Although i dont understand the whole song, it is very nice and i guess its kinda of a sad love song. Part of the song is something like this:

"Hey baby I thk its not enough to describe how i feel
we were so happy together
U told me that u’ll never let me down
whenever I needed u, u will always be there
I can forgive but I can't forget
even though u hurt me, I still love , I still love u……."

Guess this is how most gals feel ? Hee hee.......u can live without bread but u can't live without love? Or the other way round ? Well.....I choose not to face it anymore.....too hard ...close shop already.

A hidden Truth n Desire

Well I received a sms when i m on my way back home. After reading it, i felt happy n lousy (cant describe). Sometimes I wonder why am I so useless? My tears once again filled my eyes but i cant cry bec I am on the bus. I dont know why the feeling is different from Terror. This time it is rather weird! I felt my heart pinching! Terror is merely like "how can he do this to me after 10 yrs" etc etc. Come to think of it, it looks like a blessing in disguise to leave him. :) At least, without Mr D, I think I won't even have the chance to meet so many interesting friends.

I realised that for Terror, I seem to have lost my love for him long time ago even before Mr D came. It maybe merely a habit of being together and losing him is like losing a leg initially. But now i am ok without him. But for Susan, i felt very very down literally. I felt the pinch, heartache n sorrows. Words can't describe my feelings now, but i know i just feel the PINCH inside.... OUCH !!!!!

From my past ailing and failed relationship, I learned that Love cannot be selfish. It does not mean that u must be possess him to show your feeling towards him. Sometimes, u must learn to LET GO! U will be happy seeing him happier and not to put him in a difficult situation. Althought its painful, but what can I do? I am merely the 20% or -10%? It's not necessary to put everyone in a difficult situation.

I was tempted to ask Susan out for the last time. At least i can see her one more time before her majesty comes. I will really treasure the precious moment. But what's the point? She will not want to see me anyway.

I think the plan about going to LA is clearer now. If i can, i will want to stay there and don't ever come back.................
Haaa can i be a student there ?hummmm.....or marry a Angmo ?! haaa :P

Out of Singapore..............out of Singapore...........out of Singapore....!

Its better not to know the Reason....(sobbing)

Sometimes it is better to let things remain as it is...It may be a better way to protect yourself from more hurts. To be ignorant is always a better choice especially when ur emotion is soooooo unstable. No mood to work, so let off my frustration here. I still need to act happy and face so many vendors and colleagues! Wat a shit day!

28 Feb 2005......A day when Susan finally called me. I refuse to answer the first call, then hesitate to answer the 2nd call and finally picked up the 3rd call (LAST N FINAL call from Susan). I did not even manage to pluck up my courage to say Goodbye to her on the phone. Trying very hard to control my tears after hearing the reason but it still rolled down my cheeks. I cannot let her know about it and add more "misery" (guilty??) upon her.

I should have known that this day will come finally. But I never know it will be so fast n the feeling for her will be so deep. I just wish her all the best, more blessing for her and her family.

This is my resolution for 2005: Gerry's heart will be closed for repair. It will not be open anymore.

World of Deception and Misery?

Sometimes listening to Black Eyed Peas' Where is the Love is good?! Nation against nation, people against people, boyfriend against girlfriend and even Parents against children! Life is already full of shit and sadness, why is it so that we still want to add more misery into our lives? Why dont we just live like there is no tmr and choose to live happily and treasure watever things around us!

A toast to Freedom, PEACE n LOVE !

Cant be Blind nor Deaf! WAKE UP !!!!

Has been reminded about the prophecy that 2005 will be a Judgement year. We all need to be on our guard. Gerry! Where is your Godly Fear ?! Where is the fear of the Lord that u used to have ?!

I was awaken from my wayward life somewhere in early Feb 05. Guess the nightmare might be induced from Tsunami on 26 Dec 04. It sets me thinking about the kind of lifestyle that I m living now. In the dream, i was in USA visiting my fren. Then there was flood similar to the Tsunami. Fear shivers down my spine as there was really no where to run to...U either drown or die! (The scary thing is that I am planning to go USA to look for my fren in April 05. I planned to stay there a few months to forget all my sorrows. Now i dont know do i really wan to go..heee....)

Suddenly in the dream, I saw Pastor YK there too. We both held hands and pray VERY VERY hard....at this moment the water has engulfed us. While still praying, I closed my eyes (could be dead liao). Suddenly I felt Pastor being lifted up towards heaven. I think God is taking him back to heaven. The most scary part is, I am not floating up together with him! I clinged onto Pastor's hand tightly, struggling to be lifted up and telling God at the same time, "God, I m sorry..pls forgive me...pls forgive me, give me a chance, SAVE ME!" But it was too late !! Woww.....it was a scary experience even though it was only a drea. I woke up trembling. I believe God is telling me, GERRY! U CAN CHOOSE UR OWN FATE....

Will I be ready when Jesus comes back? I thk this is a BIG LOUD WARNING for me! Gerry! REPENT! Come back to GOD......Throw away the past, dont turn back. I DONT WAN TO BE A PILLAR OF SALT! No point crying over spilled milk.....................

Put on the Armour of FAITH !Go Go Go Gerry Its ur birthday!

Gerry is manifesting again over emotional issues again. Why am i so fragile? Bec I am not totally healed from previous relationship and I indulge in another wrong relationship? After making a phone call, my tears rolled down non-stop again.......Feel so rejected la....(I was really surprise bec if i keep all the tears, i thk i can fill up a swimming pool...haaa)

Had no one to talk to.....Really need to cry to my hearts content...I ended up calling an Angel. The conversation was a nice one. I ended up crying with laughther and obtained some holy lecturing (kana scolded of course)! I was reprimanded not to let emotions ruled over me! Need to Focus on GOD...PUT ON THE ARMOUR OF FAITH to overcome every of my "hardship". I need to be an OVERCOMER! PRAY AND FAST !!!! FOCUS GERRY ! Meditate on Hebrew 11 .......

I need to live to my reborn name, Eunice = Prayer Warrior. Confess positively.......Focus on God......Pray in the spirit.......

The spirit is willing but the body is really weak. Guess i need to add oil add oil....

Can my emotional feelings for Susan END !? Do I really wan to end it at all?

Hmmmm...... 1 month passed....Am still missing Susan. Why is that so? This is the first time i missed somebody else besides terror..........Actually what is Love? I know Love is Patience, Love is Kind etc blar blar blar...... IS IT A SIN TO MISS SOMEONE? Well, i guess no one can stop anyone from missing somebody. But its really a torture to miss someone n not knowing how she is doing at all. Why do i still bother abt her since she is ignoring me? Am i already bonded to her ? But i do feel attached to her somehow...certain things are just too hard to be forgotten.......Guess will remember her in my entire life. Hope she will too....but i doubt so.....(sobbing)

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh.............................
SUSAN!!!!!!!!!! I MISS U !!!!! I refuse to think u r a devil. I still believe u r an angel.

Signed off by: "Not the first nor the last Gerry"

Wat kind of image am i protruding ?! (Gerry Fainted)

AIYYYYYYYYYYYYOoooooooooooooooooooooo!
I really cant stand the people around me......Where the hell they got the idea that i go "chiong" (clubbing) very frequent ? Even one of the senior manager also thought that I go clubbing very often. They even suggested to go clubbing with me for my farewell outing! Aiyoooo! Killllljjjjjaaaaaagggg! The truth is.....haa hhaa how can I enjoy my clubbing if i am with them! :P Bec i love to drink, I cant talk nonsense and behave crazy infront of them. Oh No! How to reject their offer ? humm.....................

Well well, i only went clubbing with a few colleagues (all gals) ONCE and they log into the image that I always go clubbing. Ladies nite! That night was a killer. One of my ex colleague drank too much and lie flat on the floor totally drank. She had 7 stitches under her chin. I dare not ever go clubbing w this gal anymore. I think most of the people in the office has a mouth measuring at least 10cm. (meaning? BIG MOUTH la :P)

Humk ! Heeee..... The truth is if i always go clubbing and dancing, why i am still round physically? LOL ......... Silly Gerry

Roller Blading at ECP (Sat)

Wow today had a great day of roller blading at East Coast Park with Brother Aaron! We met for brunch at compass point Burger King. Aiyoooo....I want to go on diet and he still tempted me to eat all these sinful food....Kiljag ! (hee he dont know what this means .... :P)

We started blading ard 1pm to 5.30pm at ECP. We started off at MacDonalds, to Rochor, back to MacDonalds to the Hawker Centre pass the Bedok Jetty and all the way up to PA centre then back to Mac again! Phew! Wat an intense diet training program...I wonder how many calories of fat i managed to burn. It was fun and i really enjoyed blading.....I never fell down at all even in intense slope...hee..Thank U Jesus for taking care of me ......

Haa while we were resting on a chair facing the beach, we saw a desperate young couple (maybe too desperate for love) kissing each other in public continously for soooo long. They were already kissing when we arrived and they haven stop their wet business even when we were leaving. (min 15-20mins) Humk! Can they really ignore all those spectators arounf them? At least 15mins! :)

Came back very tired, but got a sms from Aaron to watch the church service online. Pastor Kong is dedicating Baby Dayan to God. Really a touching moment and Pastor Ulf gave Dayan a cup which symbolises God's eternal blessing to be poured upon him. I wish i will have that eternal blessings too!

Pastor Ulf is really amazing! While he is ending his teaching, the anoiting was so strong! I responded to it and I cried at home from watching the servive online. Guess I was touched again by the Holy spirit from healing all my inner hurts, brokeness and "hidden" sins. Just a min ago I told my brother to pray for me to soften my hardened heart towards God. Bang! Then Pastor also prayed about softening our heart. The holy spirit is working and healing on the hardened heart! I was really touched by the Holy Spirit....Thank you Jesus for the unique calling. I was led astray somehow but I wan to choose the correct path...the narrow path to Heaven...

Found the Gal's version of the Fuck It song! Funny!

Heee Part 2 of the Fuck It Song...
U must read the lyrics for the Fuck It song then this one to better understand the flow...

Fuck you right back lyrics - Frankee

Oh ohOoohNo no no
(You know there is two sides to every story)

See I don't know why you cryin' like a bitch
Talkin' shit like a snitch
Why you write a song 'bout me
If you really didn't care
You wouldn't wanna share
Tellin' everybody just how you feel

Fuck! What I did was your fault somehow
Fuck! The presents, I threw all that shit out
Fuck Dont go cryin' it didn't mean jack
Well guess what yo, fuck you right back (2x)

You thought you could really make me moan
I had better sex all along (ha ha ha ha)
I had to do to your friend
Now you want me to come back
You must be smokin' crack
Im goin' else where and thats a fact

Fuck all those nights I moaned real loud
Fuck it, I faked it, i'll rent you out
Fuck all those nights you thought you broke my back
Well guess what Joe, your sex was wack (2x)

Whoa whoaUh uh yeaWhoa whoaUh uh

You questioned did I care
Maybe I would howl if you wanna come to me
Now it's over
But I do admit i'm glad I didn't catch your crabs
I can't swear bad cause I got to go

Fuck What I did was your fault somehow
Fuck The presents,I threw all that shit out
Fuck Don't go cryin' you didn't mean jack
Well guess what yo, fuck you right back

U made me do this !

Why is Weather Playing me out too?!

Really damn man! Did not go out yesterday night is to prepare myself to wake up early for Blading on Saturday. But it ended up a cloudy weather day! I was so excited that i was awake at 6plus! But i am still waiting for Aaron to call me. Guess he is still sleeping.....dont wanna disturb his beauty sleep. This brother can wake up so early on Sunday to give me morning call for church, but today its already 10am still not awake...Aiyyooooo God Please WAKE HIM UP.... :P (haaa cant go blade anyway...its going to rain...so let him sleep a while more :P)

Where is the love? OnO? Susan? Where? Who knows!

This is a meanignful song...Where is the Love for the World, For the People? Come on! Lets love one another !

Still missing Susan..dedicating this song in memory of her.................(Oh dont thk i ever will forget her, its a nice memory. She helped me forget that TERROR! Thanks Susan)

Where is the Love - Black Eyed Peas

What's wrong with the world, mama
People livin' like they ain't got no mamas
I think the whole world addicted to the drama
Only attracted to things that'll bring you trauma
Overseas, yeah, we try to stop terrorism
But we still got terrorists here livin'
In the USA, the big CIA
The Bloods and The Crips and the KKK
But if you only have love for your own race
Then you only leave space to discriminate
And to discriminate only generates hate
And when you hate then you're bound to get irate, yeah
Madness is what you demonstrate
And that's exactly how anger works and operates
Man, you gotta have love just to set it straight
Take control of your mind and meditate
Let your soul gravitate to the love, y'all, y'all

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek
Father, Father, Father help us
Send some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin
'Where is the love (Love)Where is the love (The love)Where is the love (The love)Where is the loveThe love, the love

It just ain't the same, always unchanged
New days are strange, is the world insane
If love and peace is so strong
Why are there pieces of love that don't belong
Nations droppin' bombs
Chemical gasses fillin' lungs of little ones
With ongoin' sufferin' as the youth die young
So ask yourself is the lovin' really gone
So I could ask myself
lf really what is goin' wrong
In this world that we livin' in people keep on givin'in
Makin' wrong decisions, only visions of them dividends
Not respectin' each other, deny thy brother
A war is goin' on but the reason's undercover
The truth is kept secret, it's swept under the rug
If you never know truth then you never know love
Where's the love, y'all, come on (I don't know)
Where's the truth, y'all, come on (I don't know)
Where's the love, y'all

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek
Father, Father, Father help us
Send some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin
'Where is the love (Love)Where is the love (The love)Where is the love (The love)Where is the love

The love, the loveI feel the weight of the world on my shoulder
As I'm gettin' older, y'all, people gets colder
Most of us only care about money makin'
Selfishness got us followin' our wrong direction
Wrong information always shown by the media
Negative images is the main criteria
Infecting the young minds faster than bacteria
Kids wanna act like what they see in the cinema
Yo', whatever happened to the values of humanity
Whatever happened to the fairness in equality
Instead in spreading love we spreading animosity
Lack of understanding, leading lives away from unity
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' under
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' down
There's no wonder why sometimes I'm feelin' under
Gotta keep my faith alive till love is found

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek
Father, Father, Father help us
Send some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin
'Where is the love (Love)

9 Feb 05 (Wed) 1st day of CNY

This year is kinda different again to start with. I need not wake up early for Woodlands nor my home to visit our parents. But i am glad bec i never like CNY visitations.....hee...boring stuff u know. Mum is working on 1st day of CNY! So i just waited at home for them to gather at my place as it will be the last year we can celebrate CNY in this house.

Nothing special happened. I am also not in the mood for any MJ session this year. Been reminded a few times not to gamble....haa.....Then a fren came to my house later at night. We went clubbing together ! Horray...........

Went to Brix that night. It was kinda quiet but its nice. Alot of people hate that place but i enjoyed the music......we managed to get a big table for only 3 of us. Haaa......Ordered a bottle of vodka....drink to hearts content ! Humm Vodka lime is also a nice drink.......It was kind of interesting to see transaction going on...some successful but most is not. Haa maybe too expensive. :) Saw a old lady sitting at the bar counter the whole night. No body approach her, really poor business huh? hee...hee.... I wonder why she can sit there the whole night and not even moving to the music rythum...or even a toilet break ! Goshh....her leg must be damn numb..... :P

10 Feb 05 (Thur) 2nd day of CNY
Met someone at PS....Aiyoooo he really irritates me. Simply dont understand pure english. Waited for each other at the wrong location for 30mins. Stupid rite ??! I only wanted to watch a movie but after meeting up, he changed his mind. He want to walk around. Bloody hell....kana conned....

Boy! After walking for about 15mins, he finally decided to settle our dinner at Fish and Company. (Aiyoo he is so stingy and miser....visited a few eating place and he finds it expensive...can't stand him!) Then we went to Boat Quay for a drink. We sat down along the river.....He started talking about all the boring stuff. I nearly doze off.. 95% of the time i am thinking about Susan...what she is doing, is she ok, is her brother ok, bec never hear from her for soooo long.....I regret going out with Hunky. HE IS PLAIN BORING.............I sms for SOS....An ANGEL CAME AND SAVE ME.....! Haaa wat a good fren i have...she immediately response and came to meet me up :P Then we went to Mohd Sultan.....sat outside MS for a long chat......and home sweet home. Phew...Finally can end the day...Thank u Angel!

I realised why I find HUNKY sssooooo boring! Bec i miss my Susan! Oh no ! But does she know? I doubt so....My mind is only full of Susan now...


11 Feb 05 (Fri) 3rd day of CNY
Today is the most stupiest and funniest day of my life....Angel n I went to Mohd sultan to CY then rush over to Brix.....wow a fun day indeed....and drinks too! Guess we r two crazy woman who likes clubbing ......

12 Feb 05 (Sat) 4th day of CNY
hee hee... manage to get back my car. Although its only for 1 day...sad...Today is a nice day bec wake up early met up w Aaron and Issac for a quick breakfast before we head for East Coast to meet the rest. Finally after a long break, i managed to blade again. I stopped for many months due to my leg injuries and u know....no more lucky...my blade partner.....sigh.....

It was quite fun, some went cycling.. me, aaron and audrey choose to blade! Hee.... Audrey is still learning so we accompany her and teach her how to blade in the ring.... saw a few funny indians....hugging each other..Aiyooo r they straight ? :P

After blading i rushed over to visit Ou's place as she invited us over for a gathering. This has become a yearly affair for us. Gathering for the gals...it used to be a big crowd but this year ................ more changes, Edna, Ricky, James, Diana, Kok Peng, Lilian and Steve , they did not come. As we grow older, frens gets lesser.....????

8 Feb 05 (Tues) CNY Eve - Reunion Dinner

Since i cant get to sleep, might as well wake up to update my blog again. Its a way to remind me of the 'wonderful' times when i read it years later. lol...still a crazy Gerry....

8 Feb 05 (Tue) Chinese New Year Eve - Reunion Dinner
Went back to mum's house for steam boat. Met up with my family including my lucky, my grandpa and cute little Elva. Wow she is already so tall. Why is kids so smart nowadays? She can imitate you and learn every word u said immediately...scary...I cant talk nonsense in front of her ...I am already an old auntie so i better behave myself. :P hee....hee... But i still feel i am like a baby and forever 18! :P

Talk abt that old man, its kinda of sad or hate? Reunion dinner is not as perfect as before. That old man is throwing his tandrum again. He simply refused to eat dinner together as a family! Is he too shameful to face us for wat he did or he simply hate us so much that he refuse to eat together even after several invitations ?! Whatever!! I thought Dad should be kind, compassionate and responsible! But look at him?! Wat kind of lifestyle is he living !?!

Sometimes, I really pity and admire my mum. How can she tolerate him for so many years..... She did not leave him bec of us (we were too young then) .....see?! Another broken family with unhappy marriage. So i never agree that u must maintain a marriage even though u dun love each other for the sake of children. U will destroy your own happiness as well as your children.

Its kinda sad this year as I need to adjust my lifestyle drastically. I used to eat dinner at Lucky's place then to my mum place for reunion dinner. But this year, i had to go back home by myself ALONE. I used to have programs packed up after dinner with lucky and a big group of frens. But this year?! It only ended up me with Sam, Aaron and Issace watching movies (simi....raider cant remember also!) together at Tampines....but still not too bad, no need to squeeze at Chinatown and get sweaty and frustrated.

Is Money a root to all evils ?

24 Feb 2005 (Thur) ..... another day of endless negotiations on how to split all the assets etc. (The irony thing is we dont much asset too! Only more and more liablities ..Haa......)

Sometimes I really wonder is money really SOOOOO important. But if it is not important, why is everyone working so hard daily for it? Is money all we are concern about? Shouldn't we be a master of $ or we choose to be a slave to it. Its really a pity why couples who used to love each other so much will end up with topics like about assets division. I learn from ONO ......THIS IS LIFE LA (His cute singlish) ....I need to BUCK UP.

After hearing his story and how he overcome his problems really makes me admire his courage and boldness in facing the turbulences in life. At least he has the wisdom and determinations to set his goals and objectives right. And I do really admire him for that. He is already so successful in terms of his career and he is only 4 yrs my senior. Come to think of it...i am still a good-for-nothing Engineer. Now worst...quitted....and i am not putting in any effort to look for another job. SIGH....................

Alot of people dont understand why i quit without a job. Its not that I dont want to work, I really am a confuse child now. I dont know what I want in life. You can say that i am heading towards destruction or rather i am a coward. I am simply running away. Actually, i just wan to be happy. But the more i seek for happiness, the more disappointment I faced. Guess its bec i am no longer under God's umbrella of blessing due to my own foolishness. Susan told me "I will try my best not to hurt u and make u happy!" ......I still remember it clearly and believe she meant it from her heart there and then, but i am foolish to say goodbye to her when i am not ready at all to let go....I am a fool...I dont know how to treasure friendship....but who am I to deserve her friendship? God knows! Sigh.............

Sometimes I really wonder...am I wrong just to be with someone who will makes me happy? I just wanna enjoy myself, listen to silly jokes and songs, social drinking (high high), be relax and act crazy, chat about some problem in work or life! Or is it my conscience is pricking? Who knows...only heaven knoww........

(Gerry singing ......its ur birthday..we're gonna party like its ur birthday....50cents In Da Club)
Yohoo........ its Friday again...TGIF ! Thank God Its Friday !)

INTERESTING SONG!

Ha ha !!!! This is the type of song i wanna sing now! Been listening to it again n again...so SHIOK LA !

Need to release my stress, frustration, anger inside... The F*** w u for wasted my youth, time and $.... I cant turn back the clock for another 10 years....Stop bothering me will ya !

Specially dedicated to the one kana betrayed! Toast !


Fuck It (I Don't Want You Back) - Eamon

Whoa oh oh Ooh hooh No No No
[Verse 1:]
See, I dont know why I liked you so much
I gave you all, of my trust
I told you, I loved you, now thats all down the drain
Ya put me through pain, I wanna let u know how I feel

[Chorus:]
Fuck what I said it dont mean shit now
Fuck the presents might as well throw em out
Fuck all those kisses, they didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you hoe, I dont want you back
Fuck what I said it dont mean shit now
Fuck the presents might as well throw em out
Fuck all those kisses they didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you hoe, I dont want you back

[Verse 2:]
You thought, you could
Keep this shit from me, yeah
Ya burnt bitch, I heard the story
Ya played me, ya even gave him head
Now ya askin for me back
Ya just another act, look elsewhere
Cuz ya done with me

Fuck what I said it dont mean shit now
Fuck the presents might as well throw em out
Fuck all those kisses they didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you hoe, I dont want you back
Fuck what I said it dont mean shit now
Fuck the presents might as well throw em out
Fuck all those kisses they didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you hoe, I dont want you back

Oh ohUh huh yeahOh ohUh huh yeahOh

Ya questioned, did I care
You could ask anyone,
I even said Ya were my great one
Now its, over, but I do admit I'm sad.
It hurts real bad, I cant sweat that, cuz I loved a hoe

Fuck what I said it dont mean shit now
uck the presents might as well throw em out
Fuck all those kisses they didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you hoe, I dont want you back

IN DA CLUB - 50 Cents (Gerry's Hot Favourite)

Everytime i hear this song, i remember my CONO...

In Da Club

Go, go, go, go
Go, go, go shawty It's your birthday
We gon' party like it's yo birthday
We gon' sip Bacardi like it's your birthday
And you know we don't give a fuck It's not your birthday! [Chorus] (2x)

You can find me in the club, bottle full of bub
Look mami I got the X if you into taking drugs
I'm into having sex, I ain't into making love
So come give me a hug if you into to getting rubbed [Verse]

When I pull out up front, you see the Benz on dubs
When I roll 20 deep, it's 20 knives in the club
Niggas heard I fuck with Dre, now they wanna show me love
When you sell like Eminem, and the hoes they wanna fuck
But homie ain't nothing change hold down, G's up
I see Xzibit in the Cutt that nigga roll that weed up
If you watch how I move you'll mistake me for a playa or pimp
Been hit wit a few shells but I dont walk wit a limp
In the hood then the ladies saying "50 you hot" They like me,
I want them to love me like they love 'Pac
But holla in New York them niggas'll tell ya im loco
And the plan is to put the rap game in a choke hold
I'm feelin' focused man, my money on my mind I got a mill out the deal and I'm still on the grind
Now shawty said she feeling my style, she feeling my flow
Her girlfriend wanna get bi and they ready to go [Chorus] (2x) [Bridge]

My flow, my show brought me the doe
That bought me all my fancy things
My crib, my cars, my pools, my jewels
Look nigga I got K-Mart and I ain't change [Verse]

And you should love it, way more then you hate it Nigga you mad?
I thought that you'd be happy
I made it I'm that cat by the bar toasting to the good life
You that faggot ass nigga trying to pull me back right?
When my junk get to pumpin in the club it's on I wink my eye at ya bitch, if she smiles she gone
If the roof on fire, let the motherfucker burn
If you talking bout money homie, I ain't concerned
I'm a tell you what Banks told me cause go 'head switch the style up
If the niggas hate then let 'em hate
Watch the money pile up
Or we go upside there wit a bottle of bub
You know where we fucking be [Chorus] (2x) [Talking] (laughing)

Don't try to act like you ain't know where we been either nigga
In the club all the time nigga, its about to pop off nigga G-Unit

I Love this song..Fits me in a way : )

Kinda loves this song, fits me and a fren and reflects our lives very well in some real life situation...... :P


Black Eyed Peas - Shut Up Song

Shut up Just shut up Shut up [3x] Shut it up, just shut up Shut up Just shut up Shut up [3x] Shut it up, just shut up [Chorus]

We try to take it slow
But we're still losin control
And we try to make it work
But it still isn't the worst
And I'm craaazzzy
For tryin to be your laaadddy
I think I'm goin crazy

Girl, me and you were just fine (you know)
We wine and dine
Did them things that couples do when in love (you know)
Walks on the beach and stuff (you know)
Things that lovers say and do
I love you boo, I love you too
I miss you a lot, I miss you even more
That's why I flew you out When we was on tour
But then something got out of hand
You start yellin when I'm with my friends
Even though I had legitimate reasons (bull shit)
You know I have to make them evidence (bull shit)
How could you trust our private lives girl
That's why you don't believe my lies
And quit this lecture [Chorus]

Why does he know she gotta move so fast
Love is progress if you could make it last
Why is it that you just lose control E
very time you agree on takin it slow
So why does it got to be so damn tough
Cuz fools in lust could never get enough of love
Showin him the love that you be givin
Changing up your livin For a lovin transistion
Girl lip so much she tryin to get you to listen
Few mad at each other has become our tradition
You yell, I yell, everybody yells
Got neighbors across the street sayin ?Who the hell?!?? Who the hell? What the hell's going down?
Too much of the bickering
Kill it with the sound and [Chorus]

Girl our love is dyin
Why can't you stop tryin
I never been a quitah
But I do deserve betta
Believe me I will do bad Let's forget the past
And let's start this new plan
Why? Cuz it's the same old routine
And then next week I hear them scream
Girl I know you're tired of the things they say
You're damn right
Cuz I heard them lame dame excuses just yesterday
That was a different thing
No it ain't That was a different thing
No it ain't That was a different thing
It was the same damn thing
Same ass excuses
Boy you're usless
Whhoooaaaa

Can THEY stop toturing me ?!

I am really breaking down.....everytime when i made a decision to face it, forget it and go on, why.....whyy....WHYYYYY......He gotta come and disturb me again?? Haven seen him for a long time, never hear from him for a long time......finally I met him on Yahoo messenger today. I know he is gonna come and 'disturb' my peace again. Told him about mum wanting to meet him. He went QUIET......SILENCE........ Is this how man handle things from something they dare not face or dun bother to face at all. I GAVE UP......... Just continue to be the bubbly CFUG............................But now i should change it to SCFUG......Sob Sob..............I still miss the person who named me CFUG. (Stupid Gerry........wake up.....)

As i type, automatically tears dropped. Why am i still feeling sad over this person? Love? Dissappointment? Hurt? Whatever !

God, please take me out from this emotional piece of shit.....I dont want to be a loser and living like a pc of shit. I gave up on my careers, my life, my hope earlier.....I am a dirt.......... I need to buck up and be strong....but i m water inside....Please heal me..........What lies ahead for me? I dont know....

Just keep my fingers crossed ............

Last day of Chinese New Year and missing Susan still. (LOL)

Times really flies.....15 days of CNY just ended today....Today the last day of CNY and it is also known as the Chinese Valentine's Day! Its good to begin and end the CNY with family gatherings. I am glad that my Uncle bless us with a sumptious dinner at a chinese restuarant. Met my brothers, mum and niece too! She is Sooooo adorable ! Its really nice to have kids as they really brings u joy.. :)

Sometimes i really wonder wat my mum is thinking. Her daughther is struggling to recuperate from the hurt deep inside her. But WHY! all this aunties and uncles need to bring up things that remind me of him and the hurts which i dread most to recall....Cant blame me for wanting to stay away and lives alone with peace and freedom. My hands trembled when she said "I wan to meet HIM n "discuss" (SCOLD) why he did this to my daughther!" OH NO ! What is she trying to do? Protect me? Hurt me? Shame me? I never ever want to bring disgrace to my family but who would desire such outcome ?! When there is no LOVE, NO POINT carrying on.........Anyway, i am only thinking and missing Susan now.

I think today is really a BAD DAY! I am determined to FORGET all about ONO from my last phone call to ONO yesterday...BUT WHY ! The devil likes to tempt me or enjoy making fun of me? I saw a missed call today from ONO during lunch time. I hesitated, should i return the call or should i just ignored it. I decided to SMS out of courtesy. Guess what kind of reply i get?! "NO I DID NOT CALL U" Although it may sound all right, but I felt like a BIG FAT COLD REJECTION. I felt like a big damn bloody fool............Is there any friendship at all !?!

Everyday i am still thinking about Susan. I am trying v hard to forget her. Its kinda difficult to forget someone whom u really like. Its even harder to find someone whom u feel comfortable with, can joke with, enjoy each other's companionship and most importantly, the delicious rice that she cooked. Too bad i cant maintain this friendship anymore. Seems like Susan found herself another love... I miss her badly....Why do i keep thinking abt her every moment ?!

God thank you for curing me from the first hurt. please help me forget Susan......... Amen!

Is man Born to be CHEATERS ?!?

I am very discourage.....if marriage is meant to be so fragile, why do people marry if they are not able to commit to each other?

Sometimes we thought that we can find true love if it is able to withstand thick and thin. But this is a terribly stupid and wrong philoshophy! A close friend of mine went through so much hardship to help her beloved clear all his debts, help me find a stable job, bought him a car. They went thru and overcame alot of financial crisis, but why MAN can NEVER be satisfied? She found proofssssss of him flirting with another lady.....WHY MAN LIKES TO CHEAT ? Is cheating such a good antidode to ease their lustful nature or king of fruit ? If woman can be 100% faithful to their spouse, why is it so difficult for man to follow suit ?

Seeing so many real life examples have really changed my views and morals towards relationship. I no longer pin any hope in any relationship. 9 out of 10 men are ID 10 T. Even if the love is build on trust and friendship, it can be easily succumbed to Temptation and then Unfaithfulness.

ONO taught me one lesson: MAN'S WORD IS PRICELESS....meaning...worth NOTHING...all the promises is nothing but mere .......whatever u can name it.

Since it is so difficult to remain "single-mindedness", why do we need to indulge in a commitment? Wat is matrinomony? Cant we just be happy, enjoy life now and NO COMMITMENT required?! Commitment is a scary things.....Some husband hold onto a relationship not because they love their wives, its bec they dont want to hurt their kids! LAME EXCUSES....Poor wives............................In another, wives also cheat on their husband. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD ? ANTINOMANISM? Humk !!!!

Why is ONO mistreating Gerry? Or its for my own Good ?

I have been struggling lately..choosing between God n Worldly fun.....but the bible says that we cant serve both God n the world..so the answer is sooo OBVIOUS...

Consulted a few frens, they gave me wonderful bliblical advices. But deep down i still feel far away from God and the unwillingness to let go........i haven enjoyed enough....But i am beginning to FEAR GOD. I regretted ...... i thought i was foolish to end a friendship and sadly to say, I REGRETTED ENDING IT. The friendship was a very special one for me. I really enjoyed Susan's company, jokes n most importantly is her singing... But all of it is the past now. I am very surprised that I am actually feeling the same hurt which my ex imparted onto me (although the magnitude is not as great as my ex). Hummm.....Its amazing bec it was quite a short friendship.

Too bad....When i regret ending the friendship, I was totally ignored when i tried to contact Susan again. I really miss her but there's no choice if the other hand is unwilling to clap again. I AM VERY VERY F***g SAD.

AM I DOING A RIGHT THING ? Today is a terrible day for me. Susan, my most precious fren literally cast me aside and refuse to sms or talk to me anymore. Is worldly friendship so easily forgotten? Why am i always offending or provoking someone and i didnt even realise that ?! I just wanna say Hi ! But all i heard was a rude and impatient tone......So I guess I dont wanna be a PEST to anyone again...

Today ended very badly, my fren's husband is outta job again... This is the 3rd time he lost his job and my fren is manisfesting. She has been shouldering the responsibility of the house etc. I can understand the pressure she is facing. AIYYYOOOOO. Others are struggling in maintaining a job while i was fooling around w my career by choosing to end it. I really should pray for more wisdom and open heaven!

GOD FORGIVE ME.................. AMEN!

Greatest setback in my Life

Life has been very simple for me since graduation. I never suffer any failure in my life before except for a broken family and now even my own family is beginning to break up. I passed all my exams and graduated all in one attempt. Even for my relationship, I only have my one and only beloved in my entire life. All went well for me until late 2003. Life begins to fall apart.My fairy tale relationship is beginning to END!

Come to think of it, my life at 29 was quite dramatic. My nites always ended up with tears, quarrels and hopeless pleads in restoring the broken relationship. But if the other person's heart has been soooooo DEAD, what else can u do but to learn to LET GO!

I was at the lowest pit of my life in Dec 2003 until Jun 2004. I never CHEATED on my bf before. Why i have to go through all this sufferings? I dare not tell my parents wat i am going through, i dare not tell anyone about what i was facing. Life was a living hell of sufferings. My health deteriorates everyday. Special thanks to my 2 wonderful friends who stick with me thru thick n thin when i tried to end everything. Fortunately, I am still alive today to pen down my experiences. I do not agree with others in forgetting the past totally, as I wan to remember how GOD has rescued me and restore me. Thank God! Gerry was reborn when she decided to seek God again!

However, being rebellious, lack of focus and lonely, I was stupid enough to open my heart for worldly enjoyment and run towards a deadly world of SIN. I get to know some new friends. They were nice, promise me happiness etc. I WAS very happy there n then. But wat did I get in return? Tears, hurt, shame, SIN and dissappointment all over again. Never put ur heart n trust on another human beings. Nothing is eternal from men. Only God's love and word is the TRUTH & ETERNAL !

Marriage..A step closer to the Grave of LOVE ?

Its been a long time since i update my blog. Life has been interesting with lots of "adventures" starting from that faithful month of November 2004. I took up a great step of faith and sign up for water baptism to show my determination to repent n love GOD whole heartedly. But saying is always easier than done....I have been a total disapponitment to all, even my close brothers are also giving up hope on me ! Sobbing...

My faith, hope, dreams and determinations, ALL SHATTERED when MR D came into my life. I was so discouraged that I gave up my faith and wonder away looking for worldly fun and adventures. It started from one faithful nite that i was so down and I found a cute DJ to chat with. It started quite nice to chat with someone who is also suffering the same fate. All hitted off well......But ha ha it may not end well...There's always a price to be paid for something..............................

Sometimes i really wonder is Marriage a step closer to end the romantic relationship with your love ones. There are too many real life cases that marriage is NEVER gonna end with everlasting happiness just like Cinderella who lives happily ever after. People are either not being sensitive and nice to their spouse or both of them are cheating on each other! Why is the world so CRUEL ?! Is it a sin to fall in love with someone else's wife or husband? Is it a sin to neglect ur love ones and be insensitive to their needs and sense of security ? If marriage is so difficult to maintain, why GOD created ADAM & EVE n Marriage? Aren't men suppose to love their wife as Eve is made out of Adam's rib ?

Been chatting with a few net friends since November 2004. 8 out of 10 people are having problems with their spouse. IS IT REALLY SO HARD TO STAY FAITHFUL N TRUTH TO THE PERSON U ONCE LOVED SO DEEPLY BEFORE ?!

Dear Heavenly Father,
Please help those who are having problems in their relationship. Help to spice up their marriage life and gives them the determination to maintain their marriages happily. I ask all this in Jesus Name.... AMEN !