Jesus please help me Perservere

Hebrews 12 God Disciplines His Sons

1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

3Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

4In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.

5And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons: "My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,

6because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."

7Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father?

Heb 12: 14 Warning Against Refusing God

14Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord.

15See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. "

Today is another weary day. I finally know what God wants me to change. It took a rather painful process for me to realise my root problem. I need to know how to handle relationship and treasure them rather than "Take frens for granted"........Came home CRYING OUT LOUD to God...Cry & cry & cry & cry............................Sob sob......

There has been misunderstanding with my frens last weekend. Actually i was so angry with them and i told myself never to contact them again. But I was convicted when aI was reading the Purpose life Book, "to live in peace with all men". Hence I decided to date them out for a talk to clarify everything. This is an act of obedient or foolishness? I dont know. But I did prayed about it and think I should settle it as I still treasure the friendship and I should settle fast so that no bitterness will outgrow our friendship.

However as i was about to meet them i sense quite heavy laden. (Guess it was the holy spirit prompting.) ..........The rest shall not be mentioned as I forgive them.......
(When God forgive us, he also strike out our records of sins from our "eternal" record book)

This was confirmed again when I came back and seek God, warning me to live in PEACE with ALL MEN (not limited to only christians!) Hence, guess it was a right thing to do as i want to be accountable to God. I do not want to lose the friendship and most importantly, I don want them to miss the grace of God and hope that no bitter root will grow up within us. I anticipated nasty thing meeting them (but I never expect it to be soooo bad). I still proceed to meet them because i wan to prove to God that I am obedient to him. I will humble myself and lower my pride to date them and apologise to them face to face. It is up to them to decide or not to accept me as a fren. God this is the best that I can do.....to be accountable to them......

Talk about the hardship that I am facing now. Sigh......At first, i thought my life is Ji Tao Pengzzz, so how can i serve God? Thus I have been postponing water baptism and opening myself up to serve in any ministry. However, an angelic gave me a "knock out" today, this "suffering" is a process of testing and not "ji tao pengzzz" life! Although it was just a very nice and peaceful talk, but it really straighten out some of my negative thoughts. Thank u dearie !!

I Pray hard that i will cling onto this verse:

Heb12:11 "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, it will produces harvest of righteouness and peace for those who have been trained by it."

Abba Father:
Please help me to focus on the harvest of righteouness and peace. May i cast all my worries, hurt, brokeness, weariness,loneliness upon u. Lord, i present all those "bad things" unto u. Please help me to throw it away and lighten the burden in my heart. Help me to change and mould me so that my real christ like character can be shining forth! Lord i believe i have a good testimony in whatever ministry that u ultimately called me into. Lord, take away all my rebellious nature, make me a heart like a dove, pure and soft with peace and love. Help me to redirect all attention to u and lean not unto any man from today onwards. Lord....help me...I am desperate.

U r magnificent, eternally, wonderful and Glorious....Jesus.......no one will ever compare to u.......

Thank u Jesus, I Love U Jesus! (Please mould me to love u more)
Amen!

It is my choice!

Have been trouble abt my friendship the past 2 days. Today got revelation when reading the purpose driven life book. The book mentioned about restoring broken relationship and the importance of reconciliation. Leave your sacrifice on th alter and reconcile w ur brother before we make any offering and sacrifices to God. It is a sin too?!

Pluck up my courage to call them for a meet up. This is all bec I dun wan the sin to prevent me when walking closer to God.

Father please help me to resolve it so that i can gain back my focus with u.

Still deeply troubled. Lord, please shorthen my long suffering......

Love
Gerry

Happy Birthday to Me!

Wow...yesterday had one of my wishes & prayer came true. I managed to eat dinner with a fren alone.Thank u father for letting my wish come true. It is the most wonderful gift i had this year so far. Forgive me for my rebellious nature. I wonder is this what they called spiritual attacks. Now when I remain calm and focus and recall, so many things happen together simultaneously. And I failed the test. Sob Sob.......

If I passed the test, I believe it will be a break through....So I must hang on & be focus. Only God can help me.
I was really depressed and desperate when my good frens say I "DUA" them and "HURT" them!!! They use the word DUA!!!!!!!! I already agreed to go with them to KL after they say I Dua and see what they do! Do they think that by casting me aside to take coach back on my own from KL is not DUA me too?! Whatever! I am not going KL with these people anymore.

God I really want to go KL for that super long weekend....I dun wan to be alone again.Help me.....

What a wet day for my birthday eve. Practically sat and sun is my raining days. Lord when can it be over?

I trust that u will help me. U know my DEAD Line is 02/02/2005. I dun have much time. I will still trust in u. Please help me....to stay focus and do ur will so that your promise can be fulfilled. Jesus please carry mi again..........bao bao.....

I dun wan to be a confuse and foolish child. Lord, please lift me up and be wise and pour faith into me. Take away my hardened heart and be so childlike before u. Lord pls dun turn away from me, lead me back to u...grant me the peace and love in my heart. Let me have favour in men and mould me to be a woman of destiny. I dun wan to be roller coaster, i wan to remain constant and patience to wait upon u for u will come & help me at the RIGHT TIME.

Lord Grant me LOVE, PEACE and FRIENDSHIP and FAVOUR WITH MEN.....

A Lonely day

Refuse to sleep at night, but still woke up at 7 plus. Why am i in such a wrecked situation.

Something is missing in my life. I kinda miss God and feel sorry for my rebellious nature. I did not attend church service today. However, i secretly watch in online with Stan. I miss the service and the fellowship. But God...i want more than that. What is it u wan me to change? Any conviction? Why must i be independent? Am i not independent enough now? I do all things alone what else do u want from me? Please spare me!

I wonder that revelation character Mary Magdalene, is it meant for me? A deeply troubled woman whom Jesus redeemed and became a devoted follower? I dun think so....

Today is the eve of that stupid day. I hate this day.....If 30 years ago it never happen, i may still be happier some where in the dust.

A Whinning Day..................

Sigh....I am becoming dreadful about saturday! Not working means alone in a dead house with no one to tok to except a stupid computer with perverts all over in ICQ. Saturday is becoming a whinning day for me. Things gets worst when u r sick and no one bothers. Frens and work continue to give u all the shit comments. Dammit ! Confide in a close fren and he ended up scolding me and manifested! GOD! WHY ME!!!! JUST LET HIM COME AND KILL ME....KILL KILL KILL always KILL....Then why am i still alive?! Stupid devil.....u think u r great to control life & death? Ha Ha..

Why God want to create me in the first place? I am one without character so y bother to mould? All the visions and promises is like not coming true so y let me see it? I just ask for someone to take care of me and u started taking away from me and wat so good about all the moulding thing? Why do i have to know u that prevents me to have the courage just to end it all? Why drag my life here meaninglessly? God u say men is created for fellowship...where is my fellowship? I remain faithful, pray, waited, fast, pray again, pick myself up again, let him go bec u tell me so & now u see wat happen? So much about TRUST.....

Love & Patience! Wat is it? To see myself suffering in the midst of letting someone else be happy? Wat have I done to make people hates me SSSSSOOOOOo much. Is it the way i look, my weight, my ugly face and all about me is UGLY?? Then why create me.....I am condemn and rejected.

What kind of life am i living in? Hell on earth.....

I shall live with my Nici & computer only from today onwards

God if u really care for me do something for me on 25 Oct (midnight)....U know what i want

A dream or calling??

I had a dream on wednesday night after Ah Kah told me about transferring people out to another cell group.

In the dream:
"A member stand up and said she was called to be transferred out. After the transfer, there will be less core member. Ha,.... then AngelicKAH told me Hippo want to tell me to start being a helper or start serving. Hee...who i am to be a helper or serve. Helper got to do alot of things and tt has to be some one spiritually sound, stable etc. hmmmm.... I also not prepared to serve yet le......" The dream ended abruptly.

Hmm...I wonder is that dream a serve to move on or it is just a plain stupid dream. If that member really volunteer to be transfered, ha...then it could be a confirmation that I should start serving.

Father....please give me confirmation if it is your will.

Thank you....Lord......

Learning to Love God

Wow.....enough of my depression state after i came back from Phuket. I have been shutting myself up from the rest of the world for the past 2 days. I simply just avoid all calls. Only indulged in internet and ICQ. Thursday was my first encounter with people after the Phuket trip. I just dun know why i just wan to be alone and alone and nothing shall disturb me.....

Work is also like hell here. After coming back, it seems that i still cant concentrate well in my work. No matter what i do seems to be soooo wrong to others. First thing in the morning my boss bugged me about outstanding jobs. I feel like saying "I QUIT !!" BUT if i do that, then i cant pay thithe and give offering to God. :-( It seems like I am in another juncture of my life which will haunt me for a while until I get another revelation. Am i to carry on or quit this meaningless job. God Please give me revelation! I am sick & tired of doing this wrong, doing that wrong! I might as well sit back and do nothing since everything I do is wrong. God I have put u to shame in my work. I am very sorry. Sometimes I really wonder am i really the head and not the tail?! Why am i working here in the first place. Father, I need a job that i really like, enjoyed, near my place, and good salary. I don't want to be short changed.

Father, It is a wonder how u can use people to talk to us even though if they are non christian. My friend told me off saying why am i lacking confident about myself? Then I got this revelation!! I cant do anything right if i lack of self confident. God, I really appreciate your assurance with that funny incident at the beach showing me that I still possess some 'attraction'. I am unaware that I have started to complain about my ugly looks, character etc that make my life becomes a mess now. Why cant I be so pretty that people will like to hang around or stick with me forever?

Father, i know u are delaying my prayers to mould me and test my love for u. Lord, please shorten the testing. I am getting tired. I know I have wonderful brothers and sisters supporting me, but Lord, that is so different! I need support from my loved ones, my natural family and spouse. Lord, please let me enjoy their love for me please......I know u told me to come to u, u will give me peace. Lord, I have that peace already but i want more. Lord, I cant proceed fast at this stage of my life. Everything seems dead. I cant give u my 100% heart to serve u, I cant commit myself to serve u. I am thinking of resolving my problems first before I can move on with u. Lord, I know u will come and help me at the right time. Please let me focus and do your will first and not mine. Increase my obedient heart and faith to trust in u even thought the situation that I am in is different from what I planned. God I know u are watching over me as though u r reading a story book. I want to be accountable for your deeds when i meet u face to face one day. Lord, I just want to be in arms again. Just like u did when u carry me in that precious vision. Jesus thank u!

Thank God for the purpose driven life book. It stated God u r the potter, I should not balme u or myself for how i look. For I cant question Him for his creation nor who I am to command God on his creativity? I have to accept and love myself just like how God loves us. Jesus loves me so much to die for me and i am being stupid brooding over my looks and life????

Lord sorry for all my complains above. For Rick Warren states that God want to be our best intimate friend! U wan us to be true to u about feeling and confide to u our inner most feeling. Lord, u gives us emotion so that we can feel. Lord, I plead u will take away all the burden. Let me know where u want me to change so that my life can move on. Please tell me early so that i can proceed fast. I do not want to be stagnant here. My vision plant seems not to be growing any more. Please water for me and put in more fertilizer.

Father, I need to go back to work again. Same old boring stuff. Please help me in job seeking this coming weekend. I am looking for my mum but dun seem to be able to get hold of her again. Please I want to eat dinner at home today. Let her be contactable.

Thank u lord for giving me the strength not to fall into temptation. Lord, I am fasting today for my personal breakthrough and marriage. Please reveal that miracle to me soon as i am still holding onto your promise in Hosea and the vision of the Holy Spirit standing in the centre with His hand on our shoulder! Lord although people asked me to give up, but Lord, I know there are still HOPE bec God will not lie.....All u mentioned will be YES & AMEN !!! I am very excited every time i think about the day when terror will be saved. Just like Saul (Paul)....PLEASE END MY AGONY SOON.........

Into your arms again Jesus....

Back from Phuket!

Wow...nice things are always so short! I really enjoyed myself in Phuket although I overspent my budget. I realised that I can do so many things I like on my own with God without Terrior. The thought of coming back to Singapore is like a nightmare on Elm's street......Reality is always so ....Hainzzz.....

Day 1 Phuket (15 Oct):
Yuqin & I had a smooth & safe flight. We reached hotel (Grand Tropicana) around 4plus Phuket time. Our hotel room is just outside the level 3 swimming pool. Quite nice....We headed for the Patong Beach to start our shopping spree and diving cost hunting. Halfway through, we stop by the chinese seafood centre and ate Lobster! The lobster is so heavy (1kg) and cost me S$44. Expensive yah.....my heart feel so "tia". I would rather spend the money on diving instead of eating. But to satisfy my fren i have no choice but to give in lo. (anyway I shall have abundant from God). Much to my despair, the diving trip cost at least $3200 baht (S$124). I know my friend would not pay so much for a dive trip. I was so dissappointed. I diverted my attention for rafting trip. So we gather all the information and hope my other 2 friends will accomodate for it when they reach Phuket the next day (Sat).

Ou and me return to hotel rather early. Around 10plus to have an early night. We intend to go for a spa massage the next day to pamper ourselves. So we decided to have an early night and wake up late the next day morning.

What a relaxing day after so long........Zzzzzz

Late at night i heard it was raining outside. I quickly pray to Father to have a bright & sunny day the next day and stop all rain....then i fall asleep again.....

Day 2 Phuket (16 Oct)
Woke up early & heard ou complain abt the bed was so hard. Ha.....The rain had stopped and the Sun is shinging bright! We decided to go for a swim after our breakfast followed by a spa treatment....and then meet Sam at the hotel around 4 plus.

At the swimming pool, the sight of the fat angmos wearing Bikini stirs me up inside. If they can wear, so can I! hee.... So we were determined to get a cheap Bikini later at Patong Beach and try our guts.Hopefully the guys will not puke. ha....

I feel like a queen in the spa. It cost abt $2500 baht (S$100). heee....once in a life time pamper! They massage my leg and body. Even have a nice shower room attached. I really feel like a royal princess there.

Finally met up with Sam at the hotel and I was sooooo disappointed when they were not interested to go for the rafting trip. But thank God, they wan to go for a snorkeling trip to Phi Phi Island for $1100 baht. At least i get to feel the sea....Bo "fish" , "prawn" also hor! No dive but at least i get to snorkel. We end our day for a $500baht Thai message. We requested for extremely hard one but they were still so soft. Haiz....not so shiok...

Day 3 Phuket (17 Oct)
Yohoo!!! Woke up extremely early for the Phi Phi Island trip. Its a bright & sunny day again. Thank you father for so being faithful....He is taking care after me.

I was very glad that the dive agent, Scuba Cat, we signed up for the snorkeling trip, was so good. All of them are ANGMOs!!!! Cute one too!heee...... No noisy chinese or kiasu singaporean. However, i was so envious of them as they were all going for diving. I started a small talk with the Instructor Bob, and told him of my desire to dive. However, I never bring my open water licence. Thank God, my last minute desire can be fulfilled. He was able to take me in with another cute angmo for a beginner dive! Thank God....I keep praying to God asking him to take care of me and let me see special fish......

The first dive was good...saw Dory and a leopard shark! It is so cute with white colour with brown spots sleeping at the sea bed. Too bad my maximum dive is 12 meter. cant go any deeper as the angmo did not have diving licence. Pass through a coral which look like the Great Barrier Reed. A strain of fishes swimming vertically along it. It was such a nice spot! Its really amazing that under water can be so beautiful.

My 2nd dive was good....but no special fishes was spotted. However I saw Nemo in his home. Exactly like the one in the cartoon. But the fin is balance in size. He is so tiny & cute! Hainz... the fat cute angmo run out of oxygen again...so time to go up again..While waiting for the boat to pick us up, we were bitten by the tiny jelly fish at the Phi Phi island. Ouch!

We went back late and Ou was waiting in the hotel room until 7pm. We went to a restuarant to have Black Pepper steak for dinner! My My! I never tasted such delicacy in Singapore. It was extremely tasty!

The night ended with a downpour. It cancelled our plan to have another message session. We ended up shopping for a while and return to our hotel drenched. Hee.....

Day 4 (Last Day)

We have to leave Phuket today at 5pm. So we started our last minute shopping spree. I did not buy much as I was broke liao. The diving and the spa and lobster almost consume all my expenses. what a sad moment to leave my vacation.....

Going to Phuket lo !!!

Dear Heavenly Father

Thank you once again for showing me the vision during CG of you carrying me when the road is so difficult to walk. You are always faithful and u never leave me when we are at the most difficult times of our life and most importantly, when I am with u in your arms, there is a wonderful peace. Thank you father!

Thank you father for giving me the courage to break the news to my mum on wed and our fellowship on Thurs. I know it is you who have given me the boldness and courage to face the reality of my life. I pray my mum will understand and give me moral support.

I pray Lord that I will have good testimony to share next week during my trip and there will be tremendous fellowship and your presence will also be with us. Lord I pray that you will send your angels to protect us and cleanse all the food that we consume. Father i want to five, please let me find a good diving school and stop my natural "flow". Its been a long time to see fishes and sea creature below.

Lord, my hope will be upon you now. Please do not forsake me. Lord you will be my husband and first love. Please show me the things that you want me to change and mold. Give me the perserverance to endure and hang onto your promises. Lord although i do not see or understand what you are trying to do, BUT LORD! I KNOW u have plan me the best in the future! Lord I pray you will be my first love now and forever, Father I do not want to backslide any more. Lord, heal me inside out and uproot all unforgiveness in my heart. Holy spirit please search thru the deepest side in me and uproot it so that i can go on.

Father thank you for James prophecy in CG that You are the author & director of our life. You make me realised that my life is not mine but is yours to do the purpose of God and to glorify u. Lord I pray that I will not put u to shame and lead a victorious life glorifying u. Lord I pin all hope unto u as u r a God that never lie. I still will hang onto the vision and promise that you gave. I will pray for that miracle to happen as it is my desire with HOT PURSUIT!

Thank u lord for your encouragement u gave thru that "unknow leader" which hippo met. Lord As it is my desire, with prayer and faith Lord, I know u will turn the whole situation around. Lord, please help me, Thank u Jesus! Hallelujah!

Father i will be away from Singapore today, please i pray that you will santify the room that we stay, I invite your presence and holy spirit be with us, bless me a wonderful, sunny (But not sun burnt) weather, cheap things to buy and most importantly a relaxing time. So when i come back, I will start my life anew with you as my husband and best friend. Lord please make my prayer come true. I shall focus unto the lord and meditate on your goodness and love.

Thank you Jesus for your love and vision again. Father I want to stay in your arms whenever I am down just like in the vision. Thank u father for your love. I treasure that vision and I long for more of u Lord. Father, I pray u will also carry Ghiam in your arms now and encourage her Lord, give her clear direction for the upcoming decision. Lord bless her as she is doing it for u.

Thank you jesus for listening to me. I want to have a conversation with u. Let me have the discernment and open my ear to hear in more lord. Guide me each day and bless us a safe journey home.

Thank you Jesus. In Jesus name I pray......AMEN!...... Hallelujah!!!

Sorrowful Days Ahead

Father in Heaven: Thank you for protecting me and sending me wonderful frens to stand in the gap for me. Yesterday went back home although the newspaper was still left outside the door step by the delivery man, i knew from woman's sixth sense that Lucky came back while i was not around. Lord, i was saddened by the thoughts that my dearest Lucky had to sneak in & out of his own house now. HAIZZZ....... Father, I dont know why while i was packing for my trip, suddenly i was overwhelmed with sorrow that it seems that i might not be coming back to this house again. It was this very moment that I learnt what elders always said, "sim tia" (heart pain). Never in my life before do i had that feeling. But today I had it all. Lord it was VERY VERY LOUSY feeling...... :_ ( As I was flipping through the photo albums, tears formed in my eyes. Had too much mixed feelings. We used to be such a big group of frens together happily always go trip and LOL together. But as we grow older, bitterness, jealousy and misunderstanding torn the group apart. Our group split from at least 10+ people to a mere headcount of 5-7 people. Latest news is 1 more will be gone...the happy moments will be gone. When i saw lucky in the photo, he used to smile and laugh so happily. But i know the moment will be gone forever........Hainzzz......It seems that the older we grow, the lesser frens we have. But I know lord that my godly sis & bros will never leave me in dire streets. I feel deeply touch by their concern. If Ghiam and Cin never insist I go home by myself on Sunday, I may not be able to type this prayer to u anymore. Thank you dears for the wonderful discernment!

As i laid on my beds, dun kun why my heart feek so awkward. Pain, sad...nothing can describe that feeling. I wet my pillow with tears again knowing the most important and joyful part of my life is gone. I need to stand on my 2 feet again ALONE.

Father, please strengthen me each day to do your will so that your promise will come to pass. Give me the wisdom and courage to break the news to my mum. Lord, I pray she will not manifest and aggravate the painful hole in my heart. Lord, I pray i will receive all the morale support and love from her. Lord, grant me the opportunity to tell her before Friday. Bless my job and grant me the favour with man.

Thank you Jesus for your love, guidance and protection.

In Jesus name I pray......AMEN !!!

Dreadful morning!!!

Dear God

I got no one to turn to except to write this blog to u. Yesterday prayer to you was filled with tears, that was the first time i prayed in front of Sam in tears. Even my friend also want me to end the agony of hanging on after one long years of suffering. Cant sleep the whole night even though I know u will watch over me. Father, Please take away all my sadness, tears and those criticism people in my life now. Lord, please help me. I will never make it without you close to my heart. Lord, you restore me spiritually BUT I also need restoration physically. Jesus, you shed your blood for me, please.....I plead, help me to go through this period of my life by sending the correct person for console. Father, you said you know the desire in our hearts. You told me last thur in CG, "Do not worry for I feed the birds and u r more precious to me than those little birds." Lord u know my desire and u say ur people will not be mock and will be glorify. Father, please....dun make me a mockery to others.

On my journey to work, it seems every steps i took was like dozen tons. True enough, I forget to follow up on my work & kana scolding from my boss in the morning meeting. It seems that i am not the head but the tail. HAIZZZ....VP also scold me for vendor incompetency. I cant stand my work & life anymore!!! Seems toppling down.

Oopss....I realise that the above statements sound so much like Jonah when he is in the fish belly. Lord, thank you for giving the wisdon suddenly to rem that. Give me the courage lord to continue my life journey and trasnform to a woman with DESTINY! Lord u told me abt Mary Magdalene, I will rem close to my heart to be a faithful devoted follower of Jesus Christ! God strengthen me each day so that i can fulfill you will. Father. Lord I will meditate on Heb 10:35, to do the will of God so that your promise will be fulfilled.

Father, please give me full concentration in my work and protect me when i go back home later. Send me your angels and give me the courage to call my mum and inform her abt my incident.

Jesus Thank you for your kindness and love, thank you for your protection and friends, thank you Lord!

In Jesus name i pray,
AMEN!

Turning Point of my Life

Today is Sunday! Its sabbath day! Finally can go church. Told God woke me up early today. Dress up & get ready waiting for KP to come. BUT when i open the door, MY GOSH!!!! His face is full of hatred and anger! Seems like he is going to manifest any time.

He threw his temper and damaged my dustbin. God!!! Why he always has to damage our house and our things? I started breaking down and mess up my whole make up. Anger then engulfed me and I was tempted to be wonder woman again! But Godly fear seize me again. Just then i realise I still want to continue my life journey. Tempted again not to go church, but i know if i dun go, my life will be CRUSHED!

Its the first time in my life that I find that Praising God can be SSOOOOOO difficult. I barely sing and started mumbling it at the 2nd song Bec i rem Cindy Taught us that sacrifice of praise is very barely precious to God. So i started surrendering my praise & worship to God. Service was good, too bad i was overwhelm w hurts and disappointment.

My Lucky has turned away from a faithful little loving dog to a tyranny demonic doggie. Reasoning to him is useless. The most dramatic part of the day was my Dearest Lucky actually wanted me to go to netherland with him. He said the date 10 10 (10 Oct) was good. I was deeply saddened by it.

Really want to thank God my good tomodachi was all along with me and pray that God will continue to calm her down from the drama today.

I brokedown realising that I can no longer hang onto what God has promised me. I messed it all up just bec i did not stay focus and guard my emotions. I am tired of hanging on. Words cant express my deepest sorrow at this moment. I just prayed that Father can help me now to overcome & continue with my life!

Urgent Prayer to Father:
Father father! I come before you with all my sadness, broken heartedness, tiredness, despair, discouragement, emotional hurts, depression etc.....please Father take away all my dismay & hurts. Help me to become stronger and continue with my life. I want to grow up and understand and assume all the "punishment" that i am facing now for my disobedience to you years ago. Please Father, fill me up with your Holy Sprirt daily and protect me from all evil & demonic plans. Teach me how to control my emotions and focus unto the Lord. Forgive me for all the curses that came out from my mouth. Father I repent now before you and plead for Jesus blood to wash me clean again.

Father I am blessed that i still have you! God I plead for Lucky that you will protect him and soften his dead and hardened heart. Lord, it is YOU that can turn the situation around. Lord, although I am giving up but somehow deep down i still feel HOPE.

God I need to be focus now. I will temporary give up the plan of reaching out to this U5 at this moment. Lord, I pray u will watch over him and bless him. I plead for Jesus Blood to cover him and cancel every demonic plan on him. Lord, protect him and bless him.....

Father, please give me a focus mind to praise and serve you from today onwards. Help me to overcome this darkest period of my life. I thank you that u have set before me a group of wonderfuls friends to stand in the gap for me now. I am thankful for it, & I believe I WILL make it through! IT IS MY BREAKTHROUGH!!! I CLAIM IT IN JESUS NAME!!! Father I thank you for protecting me and sammi today. Father I thank you for Cindy. Most importantly, Father, i thank you for bringing me back to Church. Without all these wonderful family members, I think i would be in hades now. Thank you for bringing so many wonderful bros and sis like Ghiam, Cin, Der, Joy, Cong, Aaron, Alvin & even David for fulfilling their roles today.

God help me to start afresh by today at this very moment!

Thank you Jesus......Thank u Father..... In jesus name i pray.....AMEN!!!!

Heart Broken Day!

Today is an OFF day! Hooray! I am suppose to work but laziness over power me & hinder me from going back to work.

Slept around 12am, quite early for a saturday nite. But it was an extremely tired day as I cried BITTERLY ALONE the whole day. What could be more dreadful for a woman to undergo?! It is to cried so bitterly and yet your most loved partner is not with u.

Sometimes really wonder why is life full of trials. The harder i tried to hang onto God's promises, the more contradicting the situation becomes. Tempted not to wait upon the Lord and to give up on God as the situation seem so dark and hopeless. But somehow i went for cg as i am suppose to prepare for food for all my brothers and sisters.

During CG, I got revelation abt the 4 ways which trials will come. I tried focusing on it but the giant seems to engulf me. Watch service online, encouraged a bit. Somehow late at night when i started to feel lonely, tears and sadness engulf me once again. Then ran to God prayed with my friend "salty", feel lifted and tok to Father and slept early to attend service the next day!!

Lesson learnt: Never stay at home alone when deeply troubled. Try to divert attention to do other things.