A Lonely day

Refuse to sleep at night, but still woke up at 7 plus. Why am i in such a wrecked situation.

Something is missing in my life. I kinda miss God and feel sorry for my rebellious nature. I did not attend church service today. However, i secretly watch in online with Stan. I miss the service and the fellowship. But God...i want more than that. What is it u wan me to change? Any conviction? Why must i be independent? Am i not independent enough now? I do all things alone what else do u want from me? Please spare me!

I wonder that revelation character Mary Magdalene, is it meant for me? A deeply troubled woman whom Jesus redeemed and became a devoted follower? I dun think so....

Today is the eve of that stupid day. I hate this day.....If 30 years ago it never happen, i may still be happier some where in the dust.