Learning to Love God

Wow.....enough of my depression state after i came back from Phuket. I have been shutting myself up from the rest of the world for the past 2 days. I simply just avoid all calls. Only indulged in internet and ICQ. Thursday was my first encounter with people after the Phuket trip. I just dun know why i just wan to be alone and alone and nothing shall disturb me.....

Work is also like hell here. After coming back, it seems that i still cant concentrate well in my work. No matter what i do seems to be soooo wrong to others. First thing in the morning my boss bugged me about outstanding jobs. I feel like saying "I QUIT !!" BUT if i do that, then i cant pay thithe and give offering to God. :-( It seems like I am in another juncture of my life which will haunt me for a while until I get another revelation. Am i to carry on or quit this meaningless job. God Please give me revelation! I am sick & tired of doing this wrong, doing that wrong! I might as well sit back and do nothing since everything I do is wrong. God I have put u to shame in my work. I am very sorry. Sometimes I really wonder am i really the head and not the tail?! Why am i working here in the first place. Father, I need a job that i really like, enjoyed, near my place, and good salary. I don't want to be short changed.

Father, It is a wonder how u can use people to talk to us even though if they are non christian. My friend told me off saying why am i lacking confident about myself? Then I got this revelation!! I cant do anything right if i lack of self confident. God, I really appreciate your assurance with that funny incident at the beach showing me that I still possess some 'attraction'. I am unaware that I have started to complain about my ugly looks, character etc that make my life becomes a mess now. Why cant I be so pretty that people will like to hang around or stick with me forever?

Father, i know u are delaying my prayers to mould me and test my love for u. Lord, please shorten the testing. I am getting tired. I know I have wonderful brothers and sisters supporting me, but Lord, that is so different! I need support from my loved ones, my natural family and spouse. Lord, please let me enjoy their love for me please......I know u told me to come to u, u will give me peace. Lord, I have that peace already but i want more. Lord, I cant proceed fast at this stage of my life. Everything seems dead. I cant give u my 100% heart to serve u, I cant commit myself to serve u. I am thinking of resolving my problems first before I can move on with u. Lord, I know u will come and help me at the right time. Please let me focus and do your will first and not mine. Increase my obedient heart and faith to trust in u even thought the situation that I am in is different from what I planned. God I know u are watching over me as though u r reading a story book. I want to be accountable for your deeds when i meet u face to face one day. Lord, I just want to be in arms again. Just like u did when u carry me in that precious vision. Jesus thank u!

Thank God for the purpose driven life book. It stated God u r the potter, I should not balme u or myself for how i look. For I cant question Him for his creation nor who I am to command God on his creativity? I have to accept and love myself just like how God loves us. Jesus loves me so much to die for me and i am being stupid brooding over my looks and life????

Lord sorry for all my complains above. For Rick Warren states that God want to be our best intimate friend! U wan us to be true to u about feeling and confide to u our inner most feeling. Lord, u gives us emotion so that we can feel. Lord, I plead u will take away all the burden. Let me know where u want me to change so that my life can move on. Please tell me early so that i can proceed fast. I do not want to be stagnant here. My vision plant seems not to be growing any more. Please water for me and put in more fertilizer.

Father, I need to go back to work again. Same old boring stuff. Please help me in job seeking this coming weekend. I am looking for my mum but dun seem to be able to get hold of her again. Please I want to eat dinner at home today. Let her be contactable.

Thank u lord for giving me the strength not to fall into temptation. Lord, I am fasting today for my personal breakthrough and marriage. Please reveal that miracle to me soon as i am still holding onto your promise in Hosea and the vision of the Holy Spirit standing in the centre with His hand on our shoulder! Lord although people asked me to give up, but Lord, I know there are still HOPE bec God will not lie.....All u mentioned will be YES & AMEN !!! I am very excited every time i think about the day when terror will be saved. Just like Saul (Paul)....PLEASE END MY AGONY SOON.........

Into your arms again Jesus....